Sitting Without Waiting

Blind brain thrashing in its cage of bone:
Breath arriving, departing,
Night draining back into floors and walls,
Shadows revealing the shape of day,
Breath rising, falling,
Bluejays wail in a whipsaw wind,
Front porch chimes clatter with storms,
Breath pausing, resuming,
Thoughts still clotted with dream,
Cursed with making sense of things.

I sit in a theater of thunder,
Windows applaud with rain.
I try to think not-thinking,
Not get trapped in that place
Where I have to know,
Just let the morning fall out of the sky.
I remember not only waiting while sitting
But speeding to school in a fever of waiting,
Only to surprise her waving goodbye
To someone I didn't know who loved her too.

I have waited while running, while standing still,
Waited in dreams for things to stop chasing me,
Waited for the results, to be left alone,
For the answer to come, for my clean shirts,
While the war began, while the towers fell,
To change careers, to begin the kiss,
To find an end to her illness,
To sit here, trying to sit without waiting.
Here comes the cosmos again.
I blur my eyes,
Vow to forget all its names.


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